So, I’m Transgender. I’ve admitted that to myself, which is always a good first step. I’ve accepted myself as being transgender too, which is another good step. However, the next step is to start to admit to others, tell other people, and to start living as the gender that I am, not the one I’ve been pretending to be.
I took one of the first steps on Friday towards transition, when I visited my GP and told him, and asked what the NHS could do for me. He was honest, and said he didn’t really know! However, I do know that he will go off and research and find out the answers and the best route to take. He listened sympathetically, not a hint of judgement or disdain. He asked pertinent questions and genuinely took an interest.
The next steps are to get referred somewhere, probably up to Charing Cross, but maybe to the local Psychiatric service too.
But now, of course, I’m impatient! I just want things to be happening sooner! I want to tell everyone, and start to live out who I am.
But inside I’m terrified, a scared lonely little girl who is shy and worries what people will think and say. Worried about whether people will accept her, and want to be with her. This is the biggest thing I’ve ever done in my life, it will quite possibly be the most life changing process I’ve gone through. Everything will change. I think the enormity of it is hitting home now, but the alternative, that is to say going back to pretending to be a man, is just an awful prospect. I’ve hidden my true self before, and now she’s started coming out, I don’t think she’ll fit back inside any more, without a lot of pain.
My two options, therefore are equally scary, but I know which one is more pretty, more fun and more honest.
I need a plan, a road map to work out who I’m going to tell and when. Order in the chaos of my life. I know myself that if I don’t plan things I’ll just not do them. That’s the path of least resistance, in the short term, the least scary option. But in the long term, the most damaging. So that’s my next step. A plan. Then actually follow that plan.
Right, now leave me alone will you, I’ve got to go order a new wig…